Singing

I won't regret my return, I'll just remember the wind and the snow and the howling so loud that it alone, drowns out the inside of me. Antarctica, my only living relative, Antarctica. I can't wait anymore! I might as well post all of the lyrics to this post. Antarctica by the Weepies is awesome. Brian learned to play it on guitar so we are gonna sing that now as well as a few other Weepies songs. Really awesome.

A long journey to understanding

Opening up is something I have recently even really considered as an option. I guess it is because I 1. Didn't feel I needed to with anyone other than my mother. 2. I had a lot of friends that made me feel loved so I didn't need to share my emotions and feelings. Then I realized it's really hard to talk to people about things you are feeling. Especially if you haven't worked through things you have difficulties with yet. I feel like I went through all different stages of grief in about 3 hours. Then after that everything was fine and I feel like I felt better. Actually listening to someone is also really hard, especially when its so important. I find warm milk and soft music helps with the pain. :3

Perspective

Perspective 1: I feel really bad, I didn't fully understand what she meant last night, I tried to understand completely but I was so tired, comic con was better than I could have imagined. I was so tired I fell asleep when I was supposed to be giving the one I love directions to get to her house safely. That was the time I decided to talk to her? When she is close to tears worrying about our relationship and how much this next week is going to be difficult and all the stuff she has to do. Not to mention all the crap her parents are going to give her for being 2 hours late.

Perspective 2: While I understand I may not have listened to Lexie about her problems much in the past, I cannot wait to have these conversations with her. I am not worried about her in the slightest. The best part of Comic Con was that Lexie was there.

Its all about perspective. In my perspective there is much uncertainty. It seems something weird happens to all humans. Uncertainty breeds fear, and you probably know how I feel about fear in my last posts. I don't mind but I do understand I need to stay strong for her. I only hope that fear that she gets from uncertainty is replaced by the perspective of hope and happiness.

Love, just love away, just do it every day, just do it every way.

Hmm

I have thought about alot recently, its weird. My whole life I have had people to talk to about my feelings. Brian is bad at listening, even though he is always there for me it is difficult to have him as one of the only people I have really been spending time with. I should talk to him about stuff but it is weird. I feel like now I have thoughts but there is noone there to hear them, but I guess it is more important that I understand what I am thinking than anyone else so it doesn't really matter, it just leaves this empty place in my heart.

I also haven't sung for anyone in a really long time, yeah people hear me when I am out and about and at work. I am not singing for them though, I am singing so I don't lose my fucking mind. I want to sing for someone in a place that it is appropriate and that they actually appreciate it. I wanna feel appreciated because I am human and I am used to it. I miss Lexie.

Just because.

     I haven't written a blog post in a while but I want to. Be warned though, I don't know what I am going to say. Lexie came over just now and I feel like she made everything worth it. She did a summersault into my game room and I didn't even notice till I turned around and she was kneeling on the ground panting in a super cute way. I really missed her and I probably won't see her again until next week. :(

Who we are.

The majority of the time people are completely ran by their emotions. It is how we feel at certain times that decides what we want to do. These emotions are normally there to ensure that we are kept safe and that all of our needs are met. That is why society exists, to look after us. People can break society's laws and it will still work. You could smoke, and some people frown upon that. Or you could steal, and everything will still be working just like it was yesterday. I believe those people steal out of fear. Fear that they might not have enough. The greatest driving force of fear is usually the fear that someone will not love us, or that we may not get enough love. It takes a very strong person to realize that we are ran by our emotions and see past that. I know I am ran by my emotions. Almost entirely, it is only recently that I remembered what was so important in this world. That is experiences and relationships. I feel like doing things out of fear makes it so you don't get to have good relationships or experiences. For instance, I want to drive my friend Justice up to Boise to see a girl that he loves. If I had too much fear I wouldn't be able to fill up my tank with gas because I may be afraid I won't have enough money. Or that Emily won't like me when she meets me and I am forced to sit there and watch Justice make his moves on her. But I trust Justice and I believe in myself. That is why I want to go on the trip anyway. Today I want you to analyze what is going on in your life. Don't look at other people, don't blame others for your own emotional problems. If someone is doing something you don't like, it is not because they did it that you are angry, it's because it is something that you didn't like. Look at all the things you do out of fear. Maybe it is that you do everything you can to please others so that you can be eventually loved. Or maybe its that you steal things so that you can feel like you have enough, and that people will pay attention to you. That all seems unimportant or stupid but I truly believe that if you do anything out of fear, it won't be doing any good but making it so you are too afraid to do much else. The main point of this post is to help people understand that people are ok. People in debt are ok, people who have addictions are ok, and people who are afraid they will never be loved enough are A OH K. I struggle with fear. Even though some people may think otherwise. Sometimes it is all I ever think about.

I heard there was money involved...?

I have worked at Convergys only 4 days total and it has felt like 1 1/2 weeks. I want to get my check but it is so boring in training. I know how to ping someones router. Will you please just give me someone to talk to. I mean I know it will get difficult but, hell, I don't want to get payed to sit on my ass and do nothing. I wanna work. I have always been that way. If someone gives me something I want to return the favor. But I get payed on the 25th! I have to work 3 weeks before I get payed anything! I wanna move into Devonshire now! I drove passed it this morning after I got done working out and it looked so beautiful! It's right next to The Sports Acadamy, Walmart, and my job at Convergys. I can't even describe to you how perfect a location it is in! I love my job and I love talking to the people there! Seriously though, I just want some money already! Everything comes in time though. Overall today was a really good day. My workout went well and I met a really cool person on the call floor. Lexie came over and brought me a Slushy which I love her for and now I am on the internet. My life is like perfect right now!