Not like anybody is reading this anyway

The TAB key doesn't work. I won't do paragraphs. In blog form they just look like I am trying too hard to please. That was my rant on formatting. Now on to what I wanted to originally write in my blog post. I had a thought, I realized that I don't believe in god. I don't know any thing about science, and I don't even know if I can trust my self. Imagine yourself in a dark room. You are a little emotional and you are not sure why. Your parents are sleeping in the next room over in the dark, and you are trying to figure out the meaning of life. Lets pretend you are like me and all of the before statements about god and science and faith are true. You realize, like me, that nothing can save you. You don't have god to pray to. You don't have science to rationalize your existence, and you don't know if you can trust yourself to come up with some wonderful solution to solve all your problems. We then decide we can choose 2 things. Optimism, or being pessimistic about it; you can either pretend the problems are not there or you can wallow in self pity and go to sleep in your room and hope that the problems don't exist any more.

I walked you through that because I wanted to see if you realized something before you were done reading. Did you see that there are no specific problems I am mentioning? Maybe it was weird that you were standing alone in the dark trying to figure everything out all at once, but all in all we realize that there is nothing we need to worry about. Christmas is upon us and the tree is actually lighting the room in a red glow. Which makes you think about your favorite warm beverage, and sledding with someone you really like.

The question is, for me; who needs saving?

My life is perfect the way it is.

Rope

                           This word has some kind of negative connotation, like rope can only be used to hang someone... or draw and quarter them. Or like it references being tied up by someone with "unclear" intentions. I am not out to change that perspective in everyone's hearts and minds. I just want to use it  within a different context, with an entirely different meaning. Boy Scout leaders use rope to teach Boy Scouts how to tie knots. They even look at little pictures with step to step instructions on how to tie those knots in the correct way. Boy Scouts tie those knots in order to get the Merit Badge. A badge that shows merit. It says, look at me... I can tie knots, when in reality it's supposed to build up confidence in the young men.

                            Tying rope together or onto other things so that they can pretend to be a fisherman who needs to hitch his boat down at the docks; or an honorable soldier, serving their country by tying a rope that is used to hoist the flag of a nation onto anything that looks patriotic. There are other things I could say rope is useful for, but if someone I know is reading this. Someone who is very dear to my heart, hopefully knows exactly what meaning rope has for us.

Singing

I won't regret my return, I'll just remember the wind and the snow and the howling so loud that it alone, drowns out the inside of me. Antarctica, my only living relative, Antarctica. I can't wait anymore! I might as well post all of the lyrics to this post. Antarctica by the Weepies is awesome. Brian learned to play it on guitar so we are gonna sing that now as well as a few other Weepies songs. Really awesome.

A long journey to understanding

Opening up is something I have recently even really considered as an option. I guess it is because I 1. Didn't feel I needed to with anyone other than my mother. 2. I had a lot of friends that made me feel loved so I didn't need to share my emotions and feelings. Then I realized it's really hard to talk to people about things you are feeling. Especially if you haven't worked through things you have difficulties with yet. I feel like I went through all different stages of grief in about 3 hours. Then after that everything was fine and I feel like I felt better. Actually listening to someone is also really hard, especially when its so important. I find warm milk and soft music helps with the pain. :3

Perspective

Perspective 1: I feel really bad, I didn't fully understand what she meant last night, I tried to understand completely but I was so tired, comic con was better than I could have imagined. I was so tired I fell asleep when I was supposed to be giving the one I love directions to get to her house safely. That was the time I decided to talk to her? When she is close to tears worrying about our relationship and how much this next week is going to be difficult and all the stuff she has to do. Not to mention all the crap her parents are going to give her for being 2 hours late.

Perspective 2: While I understand I may not have listened to Lexie about her problems much in the past, I cannot wait to have these conversations with her. I am not worried about her in the slightest. The best part of Comic Con was that Lexie was there.

Its all about perspective. In my perspective there is much uncertainty. It seems something weird happens to all humans. Uncertainty breeds fear, and you probably know how I feel about fear in my last posts. I don't mind but I do understand I need to stay strong for her. I only hope that fear that she gets from uncertainty is replaced by the perspective of hope and happiness.

Love, just love away, just do it every day, just do it every way.

Hmm

I have thought about alot recently, its weird. My whole life I have had people to talk to about my feelings. Brian is bad at listening, even though he is always there for me it is difficult to have him as one of the only people I have really been spending time with. I should talk to him about stuff but it is weird. I feel like now I have thoughts but there is noone there to hear them, but I guess it is more important that I understand what I am thinking than anyone else so it doesn't really matter, it just leaves this empty place in my heart.

I also haven't sung for anyone in a really long time, yeah people hear me when I am out and about and at work. I am not singing for them though, I am singing so I don't lose my fucking mind. I want to sing for someone in a place that it is appropriate and that they actually appreciate it. I wanna feel appreciated because I am human and I am used to it. I miss Lexie.

Just because.

     I haven't written a blog post in a while but I want to. Be warned though, I don't know what I am going to say. Lexie came over just now and I feel like she made everything worth it. She did a summersault into my game room and I didn't even notice till I turned around and she was kneeling on the ground panting in a super cute way. I really missed her and I probably won't see her again until next week. :(