doing what we can for those we love

I am so blessed in unbelievable abundance thanks to my family and friends. I look forward to every moment I can spend with them and hope to spend my time and money supporting myself and helping those around me. I am so very grateful to all of you. Thank you.

psychotic thoughts

I have a history of psychotic thoughts. I am a diagnosed Schizoaffective person. I take medication for it but some times I miss my dose or go off it entirely. Today was one of those situations. Thoughts that are extremely negative about harming animals or thoughts of suicide or resentment for loved ones that come from really small things. In the past these thoughts consumed me. I was left bereft in a state of psychotic terror. Yes I have tried to attempt suicide in the past. There is this huge stigma around medications that I fall prey to. Its like everytime someone asks me if I am taking my medication its not only a hit to my pride but I take it as an immediate sign of mistrust. Not the way I am supposed to take it but I am no where near perfect. Along with my other diagnosis Bipolar it comes and goes in waves and when I was manic I would let it control my actions towards myself and others. Luckily I am a little better at noticing my own thoughts and behaviors and remember to breath and ground myself. It just sucks to feel all alone and most of the time I feel like people don't want to listen or I am too afraid to open up about it because of the stigma that is not only in my own perception but openly visible when talking to others. I feel like this is cliche and like others have stated the same things before me but its comforting to at least recognize that other people are going through what I have dealt with my entire life. I want to come to a place where I don't feel trapped by stigma. Where its ok for me to miss a dose of it and talk about it. Even be off my meds for several days and not have people freak the fuck out on me. Because the only way for me to come to terms with the medication is to at least have dialog about it to dispel the stigma I feel it has.

luck

i consider myself super lucky to be born into the situation i was born into despite my troubles because at least i have a roof over my head and family that loves me

Power and Love

Power: the ability to do something or act in a particular way, especially as a faculty or quality. Love: an intense feeling of deep affection. A balance of two different intense things may not be that different after all “The greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. Things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same. We are all one people, but we live as if divided.” - Guru Pathik, 'Avatar: The Last Airbender'.

my aversion to accusations

when someone accuses me of something i didn't do it pisses me off and i want to get over that some how

Limerence and Trauma

 I found out a very traumatic event happened not only when I was born but when I was 3 years old as well.

These traumas have shaped my relationships and made it hard for me to keep friends and lovers. 

Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

Its like I keep having thoughts and memories of what I said and what I could have done better over and over in my head and it haunts me because it stirs up alot of emotions about what I could have done better when in reality I was doing the best I could at the time. I feel like it is stopping me from learning from my mistakes and even making future mistakes leading to successes.

I AM the Violet Tara by Peter Mt. Shasta

Consciousness Transcends form