psychotic thoughts

I have a history of psychotic thoughts. I am a diagnosed Schizoaffective person. I take medication for it but some times I miss my dose or go off it entirely. Today was one of those situations. Thoughts that are extremely negative about harming animals or thoughts of suicide or resentment for loved ones that come from really small things. In the past these thoughts consumed me. I was left bereft in a state of psychotic terror. Yes I have tried to attempt suicide in the past. There is this huge stigma around medications that I fall prey to. Its like everytime someone asks me if I am taking my medication its not only a hit to my pride but I take it as an immediate sign of mistrust. Not the way I am supposed to take it but I am no where near perfect. Along with my other diagnosis Bipolar it comes and goes in waves and when I was manic I would let it control my actions towards myself and others. Luckily I am a little better at noticing my own thoughts and behaviors and remember to breath and ground myself. It just sucks to feel all alone and most of the time I feel like people don't want to listen or I am too afraid to open up about it because of the stigma that is not only in my own perception but openly visible when talking to others. I feel like this is cliche and like others have stated the same things before me but its comforting to at least recognize that other people are going through what I have dealt with my entire life. I want to come to a place where I don't feel trapped by stigma. Where its ok for me to miss a dose of it and talk about it. Even be off my meds for several days and not have people freak the fuck out on me. Because the only way for me to come to terms with the medication is to at least have dialog about it to dispel the stigma I feel it has.